Zomgee

Imagine the money to be gained if a shipping company was able to send packages across time and space constraints. Imagine how revolutionary that would be…

I ordered a laptop nigh unto 10 days ago and it was shipped on Tuesday. While the end-to-end trip was not close to immediate, various stops along the way actually take it back in time. I present to you proof that FedEx has finally broken the time space continuum.

Or, to put that chronologically-

So, as you can see, the shipment arrived in Alaska before it left China, and arrived in Indianapolis before it arrived in Alaska. At this rate, I should have my new laptop by yesterday!

As a humble apology and desperate attempt to bring you content you haven’t seen yet, I give you… Cry baby Hillary.

One of the things that I love about Hillary, absolutely LOVE, is how she can sound like she’s making sense, but be speaking nonsense at the same time. For instance, the last sentence of that video clip is: “I just believe so strongly in who we are as a nation.” Huhwah? Now me, I personally believe so strongly in the child-like youth of a newborn baby. What does that even mean?

To add to the laughability, Hillary has completely altered her appearance to be more “I can change things, I’ll do what you want” etc etc, and yet in her short stint so far as senator, she’s accomplished next to nothing and she does not do what I want: quit. If she can’t even successfully follow through with eating right and excercising (as she says in the clip), how is she going to run a nation? She makes a huge deal (somewhat in this video, more elsewhere) about how being apart of a previous presidency (yet she never calls it what it is: a giant coattail ride the likes of which even Six Flags can’t even dream about) has given her experience and how she has had considerable time around the Oval Office. To that I say “Woah nelly.” Why? Well if she was truly around the Oval Office on a consistent basis, the name “Monica Lewinsky” might still be unfamiliar to us.

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will:

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men — he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally, unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women — she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart…

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”
3. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.
4. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
5. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
6. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
7. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
8. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
9. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
And last, but not least…
10. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!’

Regards,
Wal-Mart

Dick Clark must be undead. He was born in November 30, 1929 as a human being, but now: he is transformed into a living zomgee. On December 8, 2004, Mr. Clark mysteriously suffers from a stroke; unbeknownst to us, he is taking on his new form as a reanimated corpse. After revealing his new self in 2005, blind followers assume he retains a post-stroke condition. How else does he assume his youthful disposition? I bet if that teleprompter wasn’t there he wouldn’t be able to count down from twenty; he certainly has trouble enough even with its aid. Watch it again; see how he strains so hard; he must be there by some Haitian voodoo. Zomgee will be the headquarters of the Official Dick-Clark-Is-A-Zombie-Watch campaign.
I’ve never made a true new-year’s resolution, but my monitor’s display resolution is set to 1440 x 900 pixels. I did commit myself to stop consuming carbonated beverages for no reason whatsoever during 2004 (not new year’s). Still in this condition for almost 4 years, it seems to be optimal for energy management. Energy gained vs. life unenjoyed by not consuming delicious drink is probably not at an optimal ratio, but this is neither here nor there.

The idea of a New Year’s resolution has been argued to be derived from similar traditions of Lent and/or Yom Kippur. Either way, our liminal calendar denotes a time to reflect what we’ve done since last time around our sun and what we might do this time around. I wonder the percentage of people who knew about it but didn’t bother; and the percentage of people who bothered but gave up already in three days since 1/1/8. Then I want to see that statistic for every year possible; and put in an aggregate and show of growth or decline. This graph must also be in a neat design of some sort; like in the shape of confetti, the ball that dropped or someone’s fat belly that didn’t bother to loose wait this last year.

Over the past few days, I’ve been keeping on eye on the developments in Pakistan with the assassination of Benazir Bhutto, former prime minister of that country (1988-1990 and 1993-1996). Both times the president fired her for allegations of corruption.

Eventually, she exiled herself from the country for 8 years, and in October, returned. Her entrance back into the country, however, was met with an assassination attempt, killing 136 people in the process, but, miraculously, she was spared.

Since then, she has blamed the current sitting president, Pervez Musharraf, for not doing enough to ensure her security. On Wednesday, after leaving a rally, shots were fired at her vehicle and a bomb on a nearby motorcycle exploded. Today, however, more information was released as to how she died.

It wasn’t the gunshots (all 3 missed her). It wasn’t the bomb (directly, at least). Former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto killed herself when she ducked back inside the sunroof she was standing through and hit her head on one of the latches for the sunroof. Apparently, the force of hitting that latch was enough to fracture her skull.

Man knows not his time- nor the means.