Zomgee

Enter the Peeps.

Peep #1: My name is Gladiator.
Peep #2: How dare you show your back to me! Slave, you will remove your helmet and tell me your name.
P#1: [removes helmet and turns around to face P#2] My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

Fin.

These things are practically simulated manna. How could there be a better snack? Bite-size, ergonomically shaped morsels of crunchy goodness. Finger-licking is mandatory so grab a handful and don’t double dip your grubby mits. This snack can be an easy lesson on how some things can be “low in quantity” while yet consuming large portions, as quality is inversely proportionate to quantity. Some things become more precious when not shared and withheld from marginal amounts of the populace. Muddy Buddies® lack the ability to release precious quality when shared.

Prep Time:15 min
Start to Finish:15 min
Makes:18 servings (1/2 cup each)

Ingredients:
9 cups Chex® cereal (any variety)
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/4 cup butter or margarine
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar

Preparation Directions:
1. Into large bowl, measure cereal; set aside.
2. In 1-quart microwavable bowl, stir together chocolate chips, peanut butter and butter. Microwave uncovered on High 1 minute; stir. Microwave about 30 seconds longer or until mixture can be stirred smooth. Stir in vanilla. Pour mixture over cereal, stirring until evenly coated. Pour into 2-gallon resealable food-storage plastic bag.
3. Add powdered sugar. Seal bag; shake until well coated. Spread on waxed paper to cool. Store in airtight container in refrigerator.
Stove-Top Directions: Into large bowl, measure cereal; set aside. In 1-quart saucepan, heat chocolate chips, peanut butter and butter over low heat, stirring frequently, until melted. Remove from heat; stir in vanilla. Pour mixture over cereal, stirring until evenly coated. Pour into 2-gallon resealable food-storage plastic bag. Add powdered sugar. Seal bag; shake until well coated. Spread on waxed paper to cool. Store in airtight container in refrigerator.

High Altitude (3500-6500 ft): No change.

Dick Clark must be undead. He was born in November 30, 1929 as a human being, but now: he is transformed into a living zomgee. On December 8, 2004, Mr. Clark mysteriously suffers from a stroke; unbeknownst to us, he is taking on his new form as a reanimated corpse. After revealing his new self in 2005, blind followers assume he retains a post-stroke condition. How else does he assume his youthful disposition? I bet if that teleprompter wasn’t there he wouldn’t be able to count down from twenty; he certainly has trouble enough even with its aid. Watch it again; see how he strains so hard; he must be there by some Haitian voodoo. Zomgee will be the headquarters of the Official Dick-Clark-Is-A-Zombie-Watch campaign.
I’ve never made a true new-year’s resolution, but my monitor’s display resolution is set to 1440 x 900 pixels. I did commit myself to stop consuming carbonated beverages for no reason whatsoever during 2004 (not new year’s). Still in this condition for almost 4 years, it seems to be optimal for energy management. Energy gained vs. life unenjoyed by not consuming delicious drink is probably not at an optimal ratio, but this is neither here nor there.

The idea of a New Year’s resolution has been argued to be derived from similar traditions of Lent and/or Yom Kippur. Either way, our liminal calendar denotes a time to reflect what we’ve done since last time around our sun and what we might do this time around. I wonder the percentage of people who knew about it but didn’t bother; and the percentage of people who bothered but gave up already in three days since 1/1/8. Then I want to see that statistic for every year possible; and put in an aggregate and show of growth or decline. This graph must also be in a neat design of some sort; like in the shape of confetti, the ball that dropped or someone’s fat belly that didn’t bother to loose wait this last year.

It’s been Christmastime for quite a while now and so naturally I think we have all heard our fair share of Christmas music for the year. Now I like Christmas music. I like the Christian spiritual type, I like the upbeat secular type, I like the Santa type, I like old songs and I like new songs. All in all Christmas music can be great, but what I can’t understand is why musicians have to but their heads in and ruin the music. You’re probably wondering how that makes any manner of sense at all, well let me explain myself.

There are certain songs that are, how shall we say, iconic. These songs have been heard and sung by everyone under the sun. We know them, and we love them. These are songs like “White Christmas,” “Silent Night,” and “Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer.” As it turns out there is something about musicians that dictates that at least once in their career must needs do a Christmas CD and as it turns out most of these musicians are not creative enough to write their own songs, so they sing the old favorites. Now there would be absolutely nothing wrong with this, because who doesn’t want to hear their favorite artist sing their favorite Christmas songs, but why is it that these musicians, who may write good music normally, have to absolutely butcher these songs.

Where is it written that they have to somehow “make the song theirs?” Now I understand they’re just trying to make it fit with their style of music but if its a song that doesn’t fit into your style of music – WRITE YOUR OWN. I’m tired of hearing crappy renditions of wonderful songs just because some moron musician thought it would be a great idea to put a little flair into it. Yes I’m looking at you Elvis. He’s certainly not the only one, in fact far from it, but he is a good example because his entire Christmas CD is absolutely terrible all because he made great songs sound horrible by putting them in his “style.”

Please, please if you ever decide to become a musician and ever decide to do a Christmas CD let me just give you a little hint: If Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, or Nat King Cole has already sung the song, then either don’t bother or for goodness sake do the song justice and no adding in your own flavor of melisma does not count as doing the song justice in fact it counts as reason to stop singing altogether because contrary to popular belief it (a) does not sound good and (b) does not mean you’re a good singer because you can do it. I think ultimately we’d just plain be better off if singers would just get the rights and put the Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, or Nat King Cole versions of their songs straight on their CD instead of making our ears bleed with their own atrocities. Please just go home, learn how to sing, or create something creative – plenty of musicians can actually do that after all.

May everyone have a safe and joyful Christmas.